July 29^th. 9 am. New Orleans:

It was the last day of an exhausting High School mission trip to the south and we needed to get to the airport, but a handful of kids wanted to cram in one last trip to a special store to get “snapbacks”. We were staying at an old Presbyterian Church in New Orleans and throughout the halls of the church a loud chorus of teenage guys was growing in strength and number. Any adult could tell that something was up and that it was going to have to be dealt with soon. We were being assailed and pestered from all sides and we were getting worn down.

Teenage guys: “Can we PLEEEEEASE go to that store down the street and get some snapbacks!!???”

“No- seriously Scott- you don’t understand- they have the coolest snapbacks I’ve ever seen. You can only get them here and I really want to have one as a souvenir!!!”

“We’ll just be in there for like 3 minutes! It will just take a second! Scott! C’mon! Seriously! Stop being so lame!”

“Scott- think about it- we’re not doing anything right now- all you have to do is get in the van and take us!”

Me: “Are you sure its THAT important?”

Teenage guys: SCOTT!!!! You have NO IDEA! These snapbacks are amazing. It’s so important that we get them here!!! I really want a snapback to remember this trip by! Scott!!! Scott!!! C’mon! Pleeeeeease! Just say yes! Say yes! Please! C’mon! Don’t be lame! Scott!

Me: “Fine! Let’s go, but I’m leaving you at the store if you take more than 5 minutes” (false threat).

So I loaded up a 12-passenger van with 12 teens and we drove to this “extraordinary”/  “amazing”/  “mind-blowing” store to buy these “life-changing” snapbacks. I was annoyed, but surprisingly intrigued to see what the snapbacks would look like.

Its important to understand at this point in the story that I had no idea what a snapback was. I’m not joking. I do work with teenagers for a living, but this is one that somehow passed me by. I guess I was expecting some kind of new technology that helped you put your hat on in a more efficient way, or maybe a Reebok Pumps version of a hat. Or something like ski boots; some sort of weird snap like contraption that kept your hat on tighter. Whatever a snapback was, I was actually getting kind of excited to see some of them when the kids came back from their shopping excursion.

When they finally poured back into the van I was more than intrigued to see what they bought. One of the guys pulled out a typical looking team hat.

“Yeah, but who bought an actual snapback?”, I asked. “I want to see THAT”.

“THIS is a snapback”, they all replied incredulously.

What I was looking at was a normal hat with a plastic snap thing in the back. The normal hat that people have been wearing for God knows how long; since team hats have been invented probably.

“This is just a hat!!!!”, I screamed. I felt like I was in a strange dream. I felt disoriented, impatient, and even superior in a weird way.

They all looked at me like I was losing my mind.

“This is a SNAPBACK”, they all said in different tones of condescension and amusement. They thought it was hilarious that I didn’t understand how cool snapbacks (normal hats) were.

“You just don’t get it, Scott.”

I’ve become wiser in these moments over the years. I know when I’m outnumbered I should shut my mouth and just nod my head when teenagers are telling me what’s cool and what’s stupid. However, on this particular morning I was tired and stressed and resentful. I actually got into like a 5-minute shouting match with these guys. I wanted them to understand that hats like this have been around forever and that they aren’t cool or hip. They’re just Normal Hats and calling them snapbacks doesn’t make it anymore special. They yelled back and I was far outnumbered. It was like having the volume on the TV cranked up way too loud. They all talked at once. They rolled their eyes and gnashed their teeth and showed me their terrible claws. I eventually gave up. They easily had me outnumbered. It wasn’t like a big fight. We were all kind of laughing while we yelled, but I was definitely confused and exasperated.

I tell this story to highlight a topic worth a discussion- why can’t we adults just let teenagers enjoy the blissful discovery of their own “cool” and their own trends? Or, another way to put it- why can’t we just let kids dabble in their different explorations of identity formation? I think, often times, adults are too quick to point out that the generation before already discovered a certain type of music or trend. We want them to know that they’re not original and not as cool as they think. We want them to know that we are actually cool and that we were doing whatever they think is cool way before they were. Or we want to put down what they do and tell them that we had it better. Have you ever gone off on a teenager about how you had it better when you were younger because you didn’t have all this technology distracting you? You actually did puzzles and drew pictures and went for walks when you were on vacation!

During the snapback debacle I think I was demonstrating bad youth ministry. I got caught up in the moment and, for some reason, I wanted the guys in the car to know that I thought their desire to buy snapback hats was stupid and trivial. However, what I truly believe in my core is that their snapback hats are just a different version of what I thought was cool when I was their age. I mean- in the 6^th grade I thought it was cool to wear overalls with one strap hanging down. I had like 3 different pairs that I wore to school. (Side note- it seems like overalls and the 90’s in general are back in style). I think what’s happening when teens make these seemingly weird and random style choices is identity formation and that’s normal. Identity formation is a necessary and quite crucial task of adolescence. There will most likely be some great ways that this happens that adults totally “get” and approve of. A kid may find identity in a sport or a band that adults can understand and relate to. The reality though is that most of the time kids find identity in style choices and activities that completely baffle adults. Of course adults have a responsibility to critique some of these decisions and offer wisdom when necessary. I would never recommend that if a 15-year-old started smoking weed with their friends a parent or youth leader should just chalk that up to identity formation and look the other way. I AM saying that

1. We should let teens have their moment. We should let them discover their own version of rock and roll, overalls, hairstyles, movies, and inside jokes. We probably won’t get it most of the time and that’s okay. In fact, often times it’s probably healthy.
2. When we get impatient or offended like I did in the snapback story it’s a good opportunity for us adults to look inside and do the hard work of trying to understand our emotions. Are we feeling threatened by this new emerging culture? Do we feel out of touch? Insignificant? Irrelevant? Where are we adults getting our sense of identity and community? Instead of blaming kids for our insecurities and inevitable disorientation as the times change, we can look for opportunities to look inside ourselves and make the necessary adjustments that will help us be mature invested adults that can have poise in the midst of shifting styles and tastes.

Next time I find myself in a snapback type story I’m going to do my best to be more intrigued and less critical. I’m going to celebrate kids when they have discovered something that brings them passion and joy and I’m not going to judge them for it. I’ll just ask that they don’t try to purchase it 3 hours before we need to be at the airport on the last day of a mission trip.